Self-Harmer's Anonymous
by holeymoleybatman
Summary: TW: Self harm, depression, PTSD, child abuse. Todoroki and Bakugo both find out the other self harms. Of course the only logical reaction is to make a club. Naturally, plenty of angst ensues. Yaoi if you see it that way.


Bakugo never knew why he felt the way he did. He does well in his classes, has a bunch of friends, possesses a super strong quirk, and even won the UA sports festival. Despite all of that whenever someone was doing better than him, it made him angry. Not just normal angry, but explosive rage, and he couldn't explain why. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He didn't know why he would sometimes go back to his dorm and just slam his metal water bottle into his arm repetitively until he was bruised. He knew it wasn't normal behaviour, but what else was he supposed to do with all the anger he has stored up for no apparent reason.

Well he could think of one reason; that half and half bastard. Somehow that kid never loses his cool. Whenever Bakugo yells cruel insults at him, he just keeps a straight face and brushes it off. That just makes Bakugo a million times angrier. He didn't understand how someone who probably has more reason to be angry (considering the short part of the conversation he heard between him and Deku) never is.

He literally has no excuse to be angry, yet he always is. He explodes at everything and everyone. He thought it would get better as he started succeeding more, but instead it just kept getting worse.

He thought about talking to someone about it, but he didn't know how to start. He also felt uncomfortable talking to his friends about himself. Come to think of it he doesn't even feel comfortable about having friends, and he's not sure why. He just doesn't understand anything anymore.

* * *

Todoroki doesn't understand how his emotions anymore. At some times he feels such pain, but at other times he is completely numb. He can't decide which is worse. Although he'd have to lean towards numbness as being worse because afterwards he feels as if he were a robot; like he wasn't human. Unfortunately, it keeps happening more and more often. As soon as he is alone, his thoughts drift to really horrible memories, and all he does is stare blankly at the wall. It is at times like those where he wants to feel so badly that he'll make himself feel. He'll do that by slicing his thighs with a pocket knife.

On the other hand, the overwhelming pain is really horrible too. All of his feelings come flooding towards him as if someone was pushing really hard against a gate and it finally toppled over. He thinks of things that he'd rather forget. He would think of something he heard once; "emotional pain has no direction, it needs somewhere to go." And Todoroki thought he knew exactly how to do that. He solved it very similarly to his numbness. He would take out his pocket knife and cut.

The nightmares he had caused him to wake up in cold sweats, his chest aching from the heavy breathing. They always had to do with either the incident with the scar or with his father. He hated them so much, and most nights he dreaded going to sleep. He didn't want to keep seeing such horrible things. If he had a nightmare, he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep naturally, so he'd have to rely on sleeping pills to get a good night's rest.

However there was nothing worse than the flashbacks. They were the worst because they were so unexpected. One time he was just in the common room relaxing after a particularly hard training session as Kirishima was making some tea. As soon as the kettle started making that whirring noise, Todoroki whipped around, and just started freaking out. He got some weird looks and some concerned, but he went straight to his room before anyone noticed something was really wrong. As soon as he entered his room, he started hyperventilating. He knew it was a panic attack, but that didn't stop him from thinking his heart was going to jump out of his chest. As soon as it was over, he had a really strange feeling, that he couldn't explain, but he was drawn to the pocket knife he hid under the mattress. He just had to cut, he just had to.

* * *

It was the weekend. For most UA students, this meant they would get to enjoy the much deserved relaxation that having no school brought with it. However this wasn't the case for two unlucky students who failed their provisional licensing exam.

Todoroki and Bakugo arrived at the arena which held the supplementary courses they were required to take. Both teens were extremely exhausted from the school week, and were not looking forward to these classes. However, they knew that they must do it as they were eager to catch up with the rest of their classmates.

"Alright," Aizawa-sensei began, "this class will revolve around rescue situations at a beach. Therefore you will be required to change into these bathing suits to create the illusion you are ordinary beach-goers."

"Fuck no. Not happening." Bakugo said loudly, just as Todoroki said "I would prefer not to."

Aizawa looked at both of them, and they looked at each other.

"Umm that's fine I suppose. You can just be fully dressed on the beach like most people are." Aizawa said with a blank expression, even though he was trying to portray sarcasm.

"Ah fuck off, I just don't want to alright." barked out Bakugo, while Todoroki merely said "Thank you."

And so the boys completed their training fully clothed, but they developed a curiosity for the other's reason to not want to wear the bathing suits. Bakugo seriously doubted that Todoroki's reasons were the same as his, and vice versa.

As they sat down beside each other on the bus back to the dorms, Todoroki decided to say something about it.

"Why didn't you want to wear the swimsuit?" Todoroki said, not wasting any time with small talk.

"I just didn't fucking want to!" Bakugo exploded back at him. Then after hesitating a bit said, "Not that I care or anything, but why didn't you?"

Todoroki stared at him for a while causing Bakugo to grumble and make some rude remark. He started to consider the insane notion of telling Bakugo the truth, but then dismissed it immediately. He would be in so much trouble if anyone ever found out, and its not like Bakugo would understand anyways. He would probably just blackmail him with it or something.

Finally he came up with an appropriate response. "Didn't feel like it either."

Bakugo was secretely hoping that Icyhot had a similar reason to his. He wanted someone to understand him, not force him to "get help" or whatever. He'd already been told that multiple times, and it never helped him. He'd rather have someone tell him he's normal. But who was he kidding. When had he ever been normal?

He should have expected that the half and half bastard wouldn't harm himself, he was too calm for that.

* * *

"Beach day everybody!" shrieked Uraraka excitedly.

The two boys shared a look. They had just gotten back to the dorms, and were greeted with utterly terrible luck. They didn't know the reason why, but they knew that both of them did not want to wear swimsuits, and so Todoroki quickly thought of an excuse.

"Actually, Bakugo and I already had plans to go to the salon." he said monotonously.

Bakugo sent the scariest death glare to Todoroki, but he didn't take any notice to it. He was pissed that people would think that he was friends with Icyhot, but he was more pissed that people would think he liked getting his hair done. He would make that prick pay if it wasn't for the fact that he was grateful for getting him out of this uncomfortable situation. Uraraka on the other hand looked half-amused and half-confused.

"Oh ok. I didn't know you two hung out." she said nodding, "And I also wouldn't have thought that you guys would go the salon, especially the way Bakugo's hair is." she said giggling.

The vein in the red-faced teen was bulging, but he forced himself to remain calm.

"Yes, it's true." he said through gritted teeth, "I love going to the salon with-" he looked as if he couldn't say the next work in his sentence. His face started contorting, and it looked as if he had eaten something sour. "with T-todoroki." he finished. He looked completely disgusted with himself for calling Todoroki by his actual name. It was something that just simply must never be done. Uraraka also looked surprised, but nobody had ever seen Todoroki so surprised, which isn't saying much but still.

"Alrighty then. I'm bummed you guys can't go, but have fun!" and with that she ran off to tell Izuku something.

The explosive teen finally let his anger go. "THE SALON? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"It was the first thing that came to mind. We needed some sort of an excuse. It's really not that big of a deal."

"Says you! You're not the one with a certain reputation to uphold!"

"Does this need for you to uphold this reputation of yours give you any feelings of stress or anxiety?"

"What the fuck? Are you my shrink or something?"

"Do you see a therapist?"

"Of course not, they're stupid!"

"I'd have to agree."

They both looked at each other, and felt the same nagging hope that they might not be alone.

"So you've been to a shrink then?" asked Bakugo.

"Not really just some sort of consultation thing before. And you?" replied Todoroki.

"Oh yeah same."

_'Maybe he does understand me'_ they both thought in their heads. However both parties were too scared of being wrong to continue asking questions.

"So you wanna order some food or something?" asked the spiky haired teen.

"Sure."

* * *

Everybody left an hour ago, and so it was only Bakugo and Todoroki left in the dorms. They had ordered a pizza, and were currently enjoying their large pepperoni pizza. However both teens were completely silent as they were deep in thought.

Todoroki thought he may as well ask Bakugo some questions. He now was 87% sure that Bakugo might feel the same way as him, and those odds were good enough for him. He was just so sick of feeling like nobody understands him. He hasn't felt normal in so long that he would do anything for Bakugo to relate. Not that he'd wish this upon anyone, but despite feeling guilty about it, he sort of wished that Bakugo feels the way he does. However he knows pretty damn well how hard it is to open up to people, and to actually say your feelings. He himself would never open up to anyone for fear of their reaction, but if what he thinks about Bakugo is true, it is very likely that there will be a positive outcome. In order to do that however, he must first take the leap. He'd read that people feel much more comfortable talking to people about their personal feelings, if the other person does first. And so he took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

However, it seemed Bakugo was thinking the same thing.

"I cut myself." said Todoroki quietly, just as Bakugo blurted out "I give myself bruises!"

Utter shock could be read on both of their faces.

"YOU WHAT?" cried out the two boys.

Even though both of them had a feeling that the other self-harmed, they were still extremely shocked to hear that it was true.

"But, why?" asked Todoroki quietly.

"I don't fucking know! Why do you?" came his hot headed response.

"I don't know either."

"Exactly."

They sat in silence for a long time, unsure of how to proceed. Bakugo wasn't sure what Todoroki's stance was on all of it.

"You know it's bad, right?" asked Bakugo

"Of course, and I desperately want to stop. I just don't know how. I can't think of any other way to deal with everything."

"Well I want to stop too. It's always sore for training, and I'm not performing my best anymore."

"Well then I guess we could help each other there."

"What do you mean?"

"We could be each other's sponsors."

"Sponsors?" Bakugo had no idea where the freak was going with this.

"Yeah like how an alcoholic will call someone who used to be an alcoholic whenever they wanted to drink, so they would stop them."

"Yeah, well both of us still do it."

"Minor discrepancy."

"Wait so we're going to make a self-harmer's anonymous group consisting of only two people where each member is a sponsor and needs a sponsor?"

"Yep."

"Alright fine I'm in. But don't go hanging around me all the time, I've go a reputation to uphold."

Todoroki merely rolled his eyes.


End file.
